When you can't fix it.

While wandering around the Christmas Market at Angel Manor, I was intrigued by all the location had to offer. I noticed on my map that there were several connected sims to explore as well as beautiful architecture and vignettes scattered about. So I just started camming and walking and exploring.

Somehow I ended up in this beautiful cathedral on the property. Upon entering, I felt a calming fall over me; a peaceful feeling I've not really ever experienced in SL. RL, yes. But this was a first for me in-world. They say people and opportunities show up in your life when they need to. This must have been some of that.

I took a seat on one of the pews and gave myself the gift of just sitting still for a while. Soon, a well of emotions bubbled up from that place inside me where, lately, I like to keep things buried. I'm doing the best I can coping with the new state of the world around me. It now seems a great many things I once thought were true, permanent and unshakeable are crumbling into ruins - here and RL. 

It occurred to me as I sat there - everything that has me shaken and out of sorts right now is, for the most part, out of my control. Some things are just what they are despite how sad I am at their loss. 

I usually come into SL all bubbly and full of fun ideas. Full of things I'd like to do; people I'd like to chat up; "stuff" I want to buy; experiences I'd like to create for others... I have always had this maddening drive to discover astonishing things others do and create in-world. I'm here for it. All of it. 

While my RL is neat and quaint and tidy and pretty great, SL is my escape from the "have-to's" and occasional monotony my RL imposes. I suspect it's that way for many of us here. But "escaping" to this virtual world doesn't mean the losses and disappointments here hurt any less than the recent barrage of RL ones. I pondered all this for a couple hours there, seated in that pew. How I feel myself turning to face life and live "inward" now. I've always "faced outward". Literally. My whole life - an outward-facing optimist who'd given herself permission to be authentic and creative and quirky and, well, just damned adorable and proud of it. Both here and in RL. 

Now? Now I worry a lot. I hurt for others. I hurt for myself even though I feel guilty and selfish when I do that. Things mean more to me here than they used to - and along with that comes the fact that things cut deeper, hurt more and leave longer-lasting aches and pains. There's a lot more that ran through me whilst I sat there in that cathedral. When I'd turned all I could over in my heart and my head, I got up and lit a candle, then made my way back home to my comfy chair by the window. It's there where I seem to be perpetually staring out as of late to see if, by some stroke of good luck, a familiar figure might come walking down the road toward the house. Until then, I have plenty of tea, good books and inventory that needs sorting to keep my mind busy.

How 'bout you? Have you let yourself think and feel lately? It's not for the faint of heart and I don't recommend you soak in it all day or anything. If you're like me, that stuff can get away from you quickly. But do take some time and allow your "you" here in SL to slow down and consider your own version of  the state of things. Find a beautiful, meaningful spot someone poured their heart and soul into creating in hopes someone just like you would enjoy it. Then think out anything you need to mull over. 

It was pretty helpful to me. 

Love and light to you.